In a World Full of Constants, Be the Variable

We live in a time when self-sacrifice is viewed as oppressive and self-obsession is viewed as heroic. We’ve normalized being enamored by the shallowest definitions of identity, not giving a second thought as to whether the decisions and actions we’re prone to have actually been shaped to serve the people around us.

We fill ourselves up on self-help books and take all the latest personality assessments, thinking this keeps us ever-evolving and self-aware. But the truth is, knowing your Enneagram number or your Myers-Briggs letter combination or what Avengers character you are based on your top 5 favorite cereals has little impact on your growth.

What none of these tests can actually tell you is what eternal values live at the core of who you are. What do I mean by value? A value is a foundational life conviction on which our words, decisions, and our purpose is built. Values are timeless and eternal, meaning they never go out of style and are forever applicable

Consider the behavior-correcting rules of the Old Testament. These were eventually fulfilled and replaced by the sacrifice of Jesus, the fruits of the Spirit, and the all-encompassing two commandments to love. God knew we could never live up to perfect behavior which is why Jesus had been set aside as a sacrifice since the foundation of the world. It was always His plan to replace the rules. It was always His plan to give us a more empowering way to live than constantly correcting our behavior to stay in His good graces.

Instead, He just went ahead and gave us His Good Grace and then told us Why instead of What.

And that my friends, is the difference between values and behavior. Values keep us calibrated to the “why”. We’ve all fallen short of the “whats” and that’s never going to change. Our “whats” will never be enough, and that’s okay, because Jesus is. So, if our core can stay connected to His core, we’re giving our inherently flawed natures a better chance at growth and maturity because it’s happening inside of His grace instead of in our own strength.

Personality tests are great for self-knowledge, but self-knowledge does not equal self-awareness. Understanding your quirks, preferences, dislikes, and innate behaviors doesn’t dig deep enough to reveal your purpose. Becoming intimately familiar with your purpose and core values gives you the only meaningful baseline for how to show up to your responsibilities and relationships each day. And self-awareness is having the momentary wherewithal to catch when you’re veering from that purpose and need to recalibrate. No personality test can tell you this.

I remember when I was in seventh grade, I was having a particularly hard morning. My emotions were all over the place ( see: teenager). I must have changed clothes nine times, fixed my makeup three, and no matter how many attempts I made to salvage it, my hair was a disaster.

All the frustration of the morning came crashing down at once and I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. I jerked myself away from the mirror and as I turned around, I caught a glimpse of my mom sitting on my bed from across the hall. Our eyes met and she gently patted the open space next to her, motioning me to come sit. She didn’t say much. She just hugged me and offered to help with my hair.

My mom was wonderful at keeping structure around us four kids and making sure we were always on time to school. I knew we were late that day because of me, though, but she didn’t make a fuss of it.

Fast forward seventeen years. I’m now mom to a five-year-old who’s emotions were also all over the place one morning ( see: toddler). I went to wake her and she stirred just enough to pull the covers in tighter, refusing to emerge from her triple-reinforced fleece domain.

Every new task was met with complaints and throwing around limp limbs in protest. When it was finally time to head out, she met her breaking point halfway down the stairs. She came to an abrupt stop and dropped to the step behind her. Enveloped in all the compounding emotions, she wasn’t sure whether to sulk or sob.

I just stared in silent frustration. I checked my watch and decided there was still a chance to stay on schedule. With this, my empathy plummeted to empty and I pushed through the routine until everyone made it into the car. We headed for our destination but barely made it down our neighborhood street before my gut was twisting with remorse. What my daughter DIDN’T need in that moment was a schedule; she needed to be seen. I turned the car around, sent the kids back inside, and broke down in tears.

Defeated and sobbing, I could only think of one thing in that moment—my mom gently drawing me into the open space next to her and slowing down the pace. She didn’t force me out into the cold of routine; she invited me into the warmth of her patience and grace. This memory was all the conviction I needed to face the truth:

One mom abandoned her default behaviors in order to prioritize another’s wellbeing.

The other mom asserted her default behaviors in order to prioritize her punctuality.

Do behaviors like punctuality and discipline show a commitment to excellence? Sure they do. But the more relevant question is, do these behaviors still hold the same virtue when they’re being prioritized at someone else’s expense? I don’t think so.

This is precisely why the values we live by are not determined, nor justified, by our behavior. On the contrary, our behaviors should be determined and justified by our values.

So, here’s the challenge I have for you. Envision every situation like a speedometer. There are varying behaviors labeled all the way around the circle, and the needle anchored to the middle represents your core values. While everyone is showing up from outside the circle and planting themselves on their go-to behaviors, you move yourself to the center and anchor yourself to your values. Your centered perspective gives you the emotional mobility to intentionally choose behaviors that serve the situation and the people you’re interacting with. Every word, every action, and every decision is a deliberate offshoot of your deepest convictions.

We don’t develop reputations of trust and consistency because we behave the same way in every situation. We develop reputations of trust and consistency because we’re willing to adapt our behaviors in order keep the values we profess as our True North. Once you allow this truth to sink deeply, you’ll finally see that no personality test can tell you who you really are or who you’re supposed to be.

Paul sums this all up quite eloquently: “ For though I am free from all, I have made myself a servant to all, that I might win more of them…I have become all things to all people, that by all means I might save some. I do it all for the sake of the gospel, that I may share with them in its blessings.” 1